my worst self

Yesterday started out good. Met with church friends in one of my favorite cafes. Shared about encounters and promptings with God this past week. I biked home, grabbed groceries, blessed by the warmth and sun.

Shortly after walking in the door, glancing through my email, my heart sinks, another email from the nursing council. It's happened at so many different times. I send something, they send something back. No matter my current state when I receive it, whether good, bad, strong or ugly day, my mood instantly drops, pretty low.

No, there isn't a final decision, but a date with the committee to make their final decision. I felt/feel so discouraged.

I hate it. I can rationalize in my head, understand the perspective of the council, remind myself the difficulty international nurses experience fighting for a US license, but in those first moments, none of this helps. I read through their concerns, feeling attacked in every way. My emotions multiply, wanting to scream "It's not fair!" and cry and be critical. My head and heart find my worst self. Questioning the hard work I spent to become a nurse, desperately misunderstood, nothing feels enough. I find in the moment completely controlled by the circumstance.

Stop, Emilie, just stop.

Lift your voice and worship. Find your strength in the shadow of my wings. Call upon my name. Keep your eyes above the waves. Your soul rests in my embrace. For I am yours, you are mine.

And I respond, reminded of this song my friend shared with me last week, I cry out to a God that hears and knows me.

So we wait, a few more weeks, maybe I'll be a NZ nurse and maybe I won't. But my God hasn't changed, I'm less concerned about what this means for my calling. The only thing that counts is that He and I continue to walk through whatever comes next.

(excerpts from Your Love Oh Lord by Third Day & Oceans by Hillsong)