good friday

"And our God is not a God to merely believe, but to experience, not to only believe in, but be held by. A God who not only breaks for you but breaks with you, a God to not only have creeds about, but to have communion with, a God who not only who dies for you, but who cries with you, the God who touches you and binds you and blesses you and heals you and re-members you because He let Himself be dismembered and He is the God we not only believe in— but we know. We know – know beyond a shadow of doubt, death or despair."

(Ann Voskamp, When You're Struggling through Holy Week)

launch & lent

We started Sunday with launching weekly services for our church. It was fun, lots of visitors from our sister churches in Auckland, full worship band (electric & acoustic guitar, drums and three singers, living the dream), and after service BBQ. In case you forgot, kids love bouncy castles, like seriously freak out.

Lent surprised me, but excited to re-read through N.T. Wright's series on Matthew. Today's reading so fitting:

"...God always wanted humans to be part of the action, not just spectators. God made humans to reflect his image -- his presence, his love, his plans -- into the world... What should the church be doing today that would make people realize that 'heaven' is actually in charge here and now? When we find the answer to that question, there will be lots more spectators -- and, we may hope, lots more players too." 

Reflecting on what that looks like in this season, really thankful for all those players, past and present that have blessed my faith. Those models of living and giving. I can't imagine being on this journey without the overwhelming support and prayers of our churches in the States and Auckland. Humbling and amazing. Word feels small, but thank you again for praying and encouraging.

wellington

I went to Wellington last week. Headed up on Thursday with Jamie for training to co-facilitate a grief group that the church will be offering. There's so much in my head. Challenged but encouraged. Nervous and empowered. Still sorting through personal reflection of the course.

What I was reminded:

1. I really like learning. I really miss it. I like research and theories complimented with group discussions. I like where it puts my mind, how it increases my focus, and pushes me to act in some way.

2. I really care about people. I really care about people's relationships with other people, the ability to process through the type of relationships they have, the type of life they're pursuing. I care a lot about those things.

I don't think I am unique in that. There's plethora of jobs, positions, and systems that focus on this. That's neat, too. A lot of people in the world caring about other people and their life experiences and relationships. I'm simply amazed how much that also matters to God, for us to be learning and loving. I'm glad that the more He draws me to himself that those are the kind of things that happen.

south island adventure

We drove 1500 km. First road trip I've ever taken without falling asleep in the car. It was lovely and perfect. Mountains, rain forest, rocky coasts, glaciers, rolling hills, lots of baby sheep. It felt ridiculous two days in, another bend, laughing in awe and wishing we could share it with everyone. We explored and hiked and celebrated God. Yes, you God, who is creative and creates. Thank you for sharing that with us, inspiring and loving us.

"Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." (G.K. Chesterton)

partnerships

Since returning to Indiana, we started raising support for the Well. Understandably, most people ask with an inquisitive but usually more I feel bad for you face, "How's that going?" By all means, if you asked me in New Jersey about it, I had that look. I had that uncertainty. I was nervous.

It seems silly but the other day, while watching the Olympics, the commentators were talking about a gymnast and said, "You know a lot of these girls feel anxiety and stress. But this girl channels those nerves into excitement." Whether or not that seems cheesy, it has been challenging. God is correcting my thoughts. God wants that for us.

So, how has it been going? Of course, Logan and I find ourselves tired and stretched. But by far, we are more encouraged than we could imagine. These opportunities to share the vision and the work that has already begun in New Zealand fill our hearts. I'm amazed by the hope and peace I feel after meetings. To feel so overwhelmed by generosity. It's more than raising a financial sum. It's relational. It's unique. It's kingdom work.

The conversations that we've had, the wisdom and encouragement from others, the excitement and interest, is a blessing. It is a gift. Thank God for His Spirit that leads. Thank God for individuals who believe in the church. Thank God for people of faith. Thank God for people who generously and freely give. Thank God for you, for those who have and want to meet with us.

One of the most special moments was last night, sharing with my grandparents the importance of their faith and how that has enriched my life. "We have and will always pray for you," they said. To be able to affirm that wherever I go, wherever I am, I take their Spirit and faith with me.

That is the essence of every meeting. To partner, to carry the Spirit that unifies us, to share the hope. To carry the faith of those here in the States that care about the spiritual condition of New Zealand is a blessing not just a burden. We carry every partner's prayers for the individuals and community of Christchurch. To be a church that experiences and expresses God's love. That is God's Kingdom.

pray

"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'"

Choosing promises over worries. Peace over angst. My to do list is long and neglected, but God is with me. Deeply desiring His Spirit, His peace, praying "do not let my heart be troubled, do not be afraid." For family, for friends, for my patients, for enemies, for myself.

"But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth."

(John 4:13-15, 23-24, ESV)

easter

It seems fitting. The seven of us gathered to celebrate the thing that has brought us together, to live in seminary housing and be neighbors. To have friends who have felt God's love, and in response, deeply want to understand him so we might share with others.

"In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, 'Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen!'"

(Luke 24:5-6)

loving well

I'm starting to work on a series about loving well, collections of thoughts and stories from friends. It will take some time so please be patient with me. As for now, here's a little inspiration. It's been motivating me the past few weeks, slowly transforming my perspective and outlook, allowing me to love well.

Freely. He loved with freedom, not out of obligation or expectation, nothing in return. It overflowed from His Spirit, from His being, and that same Spirit resides in me.

lent

"Then, the dream. Mary's story is true. What's more, she and her child are caught up, not just in a personal challenge, but in a much older, stranger purpose. God's purpose. God's rescue operation, long expected and at last coming true. The child to be born will be 'Emmanuel', God-with-us. God with us to save us: hence the name 'Jesus', the same word as 'Joshua', the great leader who brought the people of Israel across the Jordan into the promised land. The name means 'Yahweh saves'. God with us; God to the rescue.

Whenever God does something new, he involves people — often unlikely people, frequently surprised and alarmed people. He asks them to trust him in a new way, to put aside their natural reactions, to listen humbly for a fresh word and to act on it without knowing exactly how it's going to work out. That's what he's asking all of us to do this Lent. Reading the Bible without knowing in advance what God is going to say takes humility. Like Joseph, we may have to put our initial reactions on hold and be prepared to hear new words, to think new thoughts, and to live them out. We all come with our own questions, our own sorrows and frustrations, our own longings. God will deal with them in his own way, but he will do so as part of his own much larger and deeper purposes. Who knows what might happen, this year, if even a few of us were prepared to listen to God's word in scripture in a new way, to share the humility of Joseph, and to find ourselves caught up in God's rescue operation?"

This is an excerpt from Lent for Everyone, a Bible reading plan and devotional created by N.T. Wright. I'm undecided what to specifically go without or whether to fast for Lent but definitely want to create space to intentionally sabbath and pray. I love how Emily from Wide Open Spaces describes Lent, "Going without does my soul good." Another writer Julia Zaher said, "We use things created by God to keep ourselves from his tender, loving care."

I find Lent important. Time and space to give up, to simplify, to live unexposed, so we can seek God's voice, rest in Him. Are you doing anything to observe Lent?

homemade latte & friendship

At brunch a few weeks ago, my neighbor Abby made me this yummy latte with her cute little Italian espresso maker. On Sunday before work, I asked her if I could pay her rather than Starbucks for a latte. Girl, I was covered: three shots of espresso and lots of foam. She wouldn't take my pay. She is too sweet.

Last night, we had our usual Monday dinner together. Scott and Abby provided the most amazing Pad Thai, unbelievably better than the closest Thai restaurant. Afterward, Abby showed me how to make espresso and made Logan an Americano. We're hooked. We already ordered our own espresso maker and milk frother (coming Thursday). Logan said coffee in New Zealand is mostly espresso based. We getting ready.

Once again, I must say. I really love my neighbors. It's been incredible to share life together these past few months. There are certain friendships that run deep. Our other amazing close couple best friends Mark and Lauren describe it best as a heart connection. Sometimes you find people who share share similar interests and humor but also similar passion and purpose, easily finding yourself in funny and serious conversations. I was afraid we wouldn't find that in New Jersey with being here for such a short time. But praise God, He has blessed us with such good neighbors. I wasn't necessarily ready for it when I came. I wanted to hold on to my old friends pretty tightly and was uncertain about opening up. God has taught me it's important to invest in relationships wherever I am for however long. Not for myself, but to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually present to others.

Perhaps, the trickier part is the process of desiring this for my friends that I've moved away from and no longer share physical closeness. Selfishly, I want them to like me more than new friends. But that isn't fair or healthy, obviously. It's taken time, but with God's help, I pray they find more heart connections possibly deeper than what we shared. That is really hard. Life changes and moving breaks your heart, but thankfully, if we seek love first from God, he pours out even more of His love to give us and share with new friends.

And so, I've found this balance of continuing to pray for old friends, writing letters, phone calls, but also being present to new heart connections and sharing life. For those who read this and are struggling with deep relationships (especially couples), I encourage you to ask your friends how you can pray for them and to pray together. This simple act creates such opportunity for vulnerability and growth. It's amazing how the Spirit of God can bring you together. I still remember the first time Logan, Mark, Lauren, and I prayed together. It was the beginning of incredibly life changing decisions for all of us. In the moment, we had an inkling. Those prayers initiated a season of waiting and listening to God's voice and slowly made way for promises, calling, and dreams. This summer, Mark and Lauren are moving to Colorado to plant a church in Denver while Logan and I head to Christchurch, New Zealand, to help with The Well. I just think that's neat and God is so good.

people help the people

Life is full right now. The contrast between last fall and winter is unreal, seriously, black and white, night from day. Literally, I've been working more days this past month than nights. Refreshing moments are found in between work, to play and cook and entertain friends and see family and watch Downton Abbey and go to church. Since working as a nurse, I've wrestled with my understanding of life calling. I believe God calls us to work in places where our strengths and passions meet His needs in the world. Work, for every person, can be used for God's kingdom. I'm not sure that is as simplistic as I imagined in college. Work does not define me nor will it sustain me. Work cannot measure my worth. Work cannot fulfill me. Only God can do this. My successes and failures at work do not validate or invalidate my ministry. When I say ministry, I'm referring to the way in which God asks me to act in the world, to experience His love and transformation, and in thanks be missional, expressing His love to others and taking His Church to the world.

When I look at my career to be affirming and rewarding, not only am I disappointed, but I become bitter and ungrateful. This has been my struggle. Learning to rest in God, seeking his love and affirmation. Learning to care for my patients and fellow staff with boundaries so I do not become slaves to their expectations. To react with God's love when patients are upset and angry. It's hard to keep my mind like Him. "God, seriously, these people today are not being awesome. What do I do?" I ask His Spirit that dwells in me, "Be my glasses, correct my vision, help me see through your love and compassion." Because my ministry and work isn't about me or how it makes me feel. I must remind myself of how God sees them, they are not their circumstances, but who they really are is rooted in who He is. They are His children just like me, no more important and no less worthy. They are loved.

I read physicians, social workers, and other nurses notes describing the hopelessness, broken relationships, sexual and physical abuse of my patients. My heart weeps. If only they knew how God sees them, if only they knew how God loves them, they are His children, and this world has not treated them in His light. My heart breaks for the fullness of life they are missing, the healing God can give them, and love God has for them. Depression is barren of hope. Addiction is slavery. They are His. I must be His hands in this world, loving and caring. God, they need your freedom.

Slowly, I am giving away my need to feel excited to go to work or comfortable at work. I'm realizing my strengths are not based off what makes me happy or content. That is not discussed enough in life calling and strengths tests. God gives us gifts not so that we can be fulfilled but so that His work can be done. In this process I am being transformed which creates fullness. But quite frankly, it's hard. I wrestle with my fears daily. I am desperately asking God to shift my mind to gratitude, thanking Him for the good and difficult. Regardless if I see any change in my patients, I remain responsible for praying for them, being patient and caring, taking time to listen, and inviting God's Spirit into our facility. This is my calling for this season.

"I wonder too... if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see.

To see through to God.

That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave."

- Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

orb community church

Logan is taking a class called Missional Theology for January term. It's been incredible to watch him come home every day inspired. One of the professors for the class is the pastor of a church in Redbank, NJ, and invited students and their families to attend their worship service.

I'm not really sure where to begin, but it was a really neat service. The church has a worship team who writes most of their songs. The congregation was diverse for a new church and smaller congregation: older, young, single, married, lots of kids. It was cool, really cool. Of course, I loved the kids dancing to the last worship song after they finished their own service, such joy.

Afterwards, we drank tea and met others. We felt welcomed and were touched by the deep relationships between those in the congregation. Logan's professor invited us into his home with an awesome fireplace, and his wife fed us all sorts of amazing soups. We climbed in forts with his kids and shared our stories.

On the way home, I prayed to God that He might use Logan and I to help others feel that way. To invite them into our church and home, to share our stories, to find and encourage others to live in God's story and participate in whatever ministry He has called of them.

For more about the church, check them out here. And I also need to say the sermon, it was perfect, felt like something Logan and I needed to hear before leaving for New Zealand, appropriately stretching and provoking. For those neat worship songs, listen to The New Ancients (also here, Dying Faith is my favorite). But trust me, it was (and is) much better singing these songs together as the body of Christ.

(photo via virginiahall)

addison hope

I need to share this beautiful moment that happened while home for Christmas. This tiny bundle of light and blessing.

My childhood best friend, her husband and their daughter brought this little one into their family the Tuesday before Christmas. As I watched Breanna through this difficult pregnancy, she taught me physical and emotional surrender to God. With each unknown as she carried her, Breanna prayed and opened her hands.

Before you were born, Addison, you were given to God. You have been prayed for by your family and friends. We are so thankful you're here. We know that not all pregnancies end this hopeful. You remind us that life is a blessing. When I look at you, I realize all who enter the world are fragile and beautiful. Addison is not more special than any other baby born, no, she is exactly like every baby created in that she is special. I want to look at others the way that I see you. Full of hope and a testimony of God's grace.

You are a gift.

the well

Over the last year, Logan and I have been trying to discern if God might be calling us to the city of Christchurch, New Zealand to assist in planting a church there.  We are delighted to let you know that we have committed to moving to Christchurch to be a part of the Plant Team for The Well!  We made our decision after a long period of prayer and after many long hours of discussion, and we are confident that God is going to use us and The Well to do something powerful in the city of Christchurch. 

If you want to know more about the church plant, the vision behind it, and the lead pastor Clint Ussher, you can find some of that information here. We will give of ourselves and our resources to awakening people to experience and express the depth of Christ’s love. To get a sense of what's happened in the city of Christchurch in the last year or so, and part of why we feel called to plant there, check out this video:

We're sure there are many other questions to answer, so please feel free to write or call us, we'd be happy to talk.  For now, we would greatly appreciate if you could pray for:

- Clint and Jamie Ussher (and their two girls, Evee and Iris), our lead pastoral couple, who are moving to Christchurch in January.  They will be on the ground preparing the way for the church plant as well as continuing to raise support.  Please pray for their transition, for their new home, and for the work they will do in Christchurch in the coming months.

- For the city.  As you can see in the video, Christchurch is a city that is still assessing the extent of the damage before beginning to rebuild.  Pray for the rebuilding process and how The Well might fit into that process.  Christchurch is also a largely unchurched city, so we ask that you pray for God to prepare hearts and minds before we even arrive, both those who will take a leadership role in the church and those we will seek to reach.

- Fundraising.  This church plant is a significant project that is going to require significant resources.  Fundraising has been underway for some time, but there is more yet to be done.  Please pray that God would provide to resources necessary to make this church plant a success.

Again, we are immensely thankful for those who have prayed and supported us during our discernment journey. We are very excited for this opportunity to serve God in New Zealand. Logan and I share a passion for seeing lives and communities transformed by the love and grace of God, and we desire God to use our talents in Christchurch to help see that transformation realized in others.

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6b

If you you would like to receive updates, please subscribe to the Well newsletter here.

after you believe

"As I have already hinted, people tend to go in one of two directions when they think of how to behave. You can live by rules, by a sense of duty, by an obligation imposed on you whether you feel like doing it or not. Or you can declare that you are free from all that sort of thing and able to be yourself, to discover your true identity, to go with your heart, to be authentic and spontaneous...

The fundamental answer we shall explore in this book is that what we're 'here for' is to become genuine human beings, reflecting the God in whose image we're made, and doing so in worship on the one hand and in mission, in its full and large sense, on the other; and that we do this not least by 'following Jesus.' The way this works out is that it produces, through the work of the Holy Spirit, a transformation of character. This transformation will mean that we do indeed 'keep the rules'--though not out of a sense of externally imposed 'duty,' but out of the character that has been formed within us. And it will mean that we do indeed 'follow our hearts' and live 'authentically'--but only when, with that transformed character fully operative, the hard work up front bears fruit in spontaneous decisions and actions that reflect what has been formed deep within. And, in the wider world, the challenge we face is to grow and develop a fresh generation of leaders, in all walks of life, whose character has been formed in wisdom and public service, not in greed for money or power.

The heart of it-- the central thing that is suppose to happen 'after you believe'--is thus the transformation of character."

- N.T. Wright, After You Believe

mark nine

Recently, my friend Lindsay told me to read this:

And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "If you can! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

And when he entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."

(Mark 9:22-24, 28-29)

After this past Saturday, I'm so thankful for God's protection and healing. In those moments where I worry, I desperately need God's Spirit to help me believe. How good He is for dwelling in us.

one

"I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours. All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them. And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one. While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves...

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me."

(John 17:9-13, 22-23)

hard conversations

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit -- just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call -- one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love."

- Ephesians 4:1-7, 15-16

"Perhaps, faith is the capacity to see what is already there."
- Steve DeNeff & Dave Drury, Soul Shift

hello, i mean, hi, i'm still here

Obviously, I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been writing. Much of the following, I wrote over a month ago. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it, and that's okay, I suppose.

I want to start first with what I like about blogs. It's a time for me to put life to words, to reflect, to think good and hard about the happenings of a semester, chapter, or whatever state I might be experiencing. It allows me to appreciate experiences or gain hope in midst of chaos and instability. There are boundaries between my journal and conversations with close friends in comparison to an online blog. Yet  I like the idea of being vulnerable and also learning how to reach a decision. It's hard to write my thoughts, but it's good for me. See, when I write something for others to read, I think about it a little deeper than if I am venting in the moment, or writing in my journal. When I'm thinking to myself and going a little bit crazy, I either need to stop or write or talk so I can look at it and realize how it really sounds. In my thoughts, I can remain in the uncertainty as long as I like. However, anything public is subject to criticism. It forces me to reconcile an experience or idea so that I might be able to understand.

Yet like anything else, such a thing, even a blog, can cause insecurities to stir within me. I really struggled between humility and self-worth last semester. It is hard. It is hard for me to humble myself and place myself in a posture that seeks God's face for his grace and reassurance rather than relying on my own abilities. To turn that on its head, I have experienced moments of insecurities and fears throughout this semester. Even such a thing as a blog or looking at all the other amazing people with blogs and their adventures can cause me to feel very tiny. It's really easy when I begin comparing myself to miss the point. Other people want to reflect, encourage, share their joys and pains, challenge themselves to something greater. It's such a choice between being encouraged and feeling insignificant. While everything in me wants to feel encouraged, my worst self is quick to feel lame. And I don't only feel like this about blogs.

I suppose another huge way I'm learning this is through wedding planning. Wedding planning is fun. It's exciting, but it's also completely overwhelming. It's easy to become lost in the trivial decisions such as colors, decorations, and what food we'll serve, and how to invite everyone, and who you might offend, and all of those things. It's really easy to do that - to focus on the things that are fun to extent but not the most important thing. The most important part of a wedding is getting married and growing with that person as you intertwine yourselves. Asking God, your family, and friends to hold you accountable to this commitment. Praying and seeking for His Spirit to be present in a way that reminds us of His love and learning to love the other to the place where his needs are my needs. Two bodies, one heart type feeling. Marriage counseling is hard. It's the most amazing thing, but stretches us. Over and over again, I am reminded that this pre-marital counseling thing and the conversations between Logan and I as we prepare for our future are more important than the silly flowers or DIY projects for the wedding.

How true is this to Christianity? How often do I miss the preparation and the meaning of the celebration as I worry about details and insignificant things? I am preparing to meet God, and he is slowly and surely refining me and seeking me. God is using these years on earth to dwell in my soul, heart, and mind while teaching, pushing, and renewing me. At the same time, He constantly provides opportunities to experience or seek that celebration on earth. He desires for me to bring his kingdom to others. I most definitely believe the new kingdom will be amazing, but not because God snapped his fingers and everyone becomes perfect. It's through this preparation. I know God redeems now in our daily living, and He is not waiting until the rapture to make it all better. We are being joined together. He's active. His Spirit dwells in our churches, in the people of God, and stirs our hearts until we're so uncomfortable we can't do anything else but reach out and love others.

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by One Spirit... In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." - Ephesians 2:14-18, 21-22