Monday, January 17, 2011

hello, i mean, hi, i'm still here

Obviously, I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been writing. Much of the following, I wrote over a month ago. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it, and that's okay, I suppose.

I want to start first with what I like about blogs. It's a time for me to put life to words, to reflect, to think good and hard about the happenings of a semester, chapter, or whatever state I might be experiencing. It allows me to appreciate experiences or gain hope in midst of chaos and instability. There are boundaries between my journal and conversations with close friends in comparison to an online blog. Yet  I like the idea of being vulnerable and also learning how to reach a decision. It's hard to write my thoughts, but it's good for me. See, when I write something for others to read, I think about it a little deeper than if I am venting in the moment, or writing in my journal. When I'm thinking to myself and going a little bit crazy, I either need to stop or write or talk so I can look at it and realize how it really sounds. In my thoughts, I can remain in the uncertainty as long as I like. However, anything public is subject to criticism. It forces me to reconcile an experience or idea so that I might be able to understand.

Yet like anything else, such a thing, even a blog, can cause insecurities to stir within me. I really struggled between humility and self-worth last semester. It is hard. It is hard for me to humble myself and place myself in a posture that seeks God's face for his grace and reassurance rather than relying on my own abilities. To turn that on its head, I have experienced moments of insecurities and fears throughout this semester. Even such a thing as a blog or looking at all the other amazing people with blogs and their adventures can cause me to feel very tiny. It's really easy when I begin comparing myself to miss the point. Other people want to reflect, encourage, share their joys and pains, challenge themselves to something greater. It's such a choice between being encouraged and feeling insignificant. While everything in me wants to feel encouraged, my worst self is quick to feel lame. And I don't only feel like this about blogs.

I suppose another huge way I'm learning this is through wedding planning. Wedding planning is fun. It's exciting, but it's also completely overwhelming. It's easy to become lost in the trivial decisions such as colors, decorations, and what food we'll serve, and how to invite everyone, and who you might offend, and all of those things. It's really easy to do that - to focus on the things that are fun to extent but not the most important thing. The most important part of a wedding is getting married and growing with that person as you intertwine yourselves. Asking God, your family, and friends to hold you accountable to this commitment. Praying and seeking for His Spirit to be present in a way that reminds us of His love and learning to love the other to the place where his needs are my needs. Two bodies, one heart type feeling. Marriage counseling is hard. It's the most amazing thing, but stretches us. Over and over again, I am reminded that this pre-marital counseling thing and the conversations between Logan and I as we prepare for our future are more important than the silly flowers or DIY projects for the wedding.

How true is this to Christianity? How often do I miss the preparation and the meaning of the celebration as I worry about details and insignificant things? I am preparing to meet God, and he is slowly and surely refining me and seeking me. God is using these years on earth to dwell in my soul, heart, and mind while teaching, pushing, and renewing me. At the same time, He constantly provides opportunities to experience or seek that celebration on earth. He desires for me to bring his kingdom to others. I most definitely believe the new kingdom will be amazing, but not because God snapped his fingers and everyone becomes perfect. It's through this preparation. I know God redeems now in our daily living, and He is not waiting until the rapture to make it all better. We are being joined together. He's active. His Spirit dwells in our churches, in the people of God, and stirs our hearts until we're so uncomfortable we can't do anything else but reach out and love others.

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by One Spirit... In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." - Ephesians 2:14-18, 21-22


  1. I do believe you and I are very much alike.
    Thanks for sharing - I needed to hear this today!

  2. it's so good to see your heart through these words.
    I love you, lady and know, you have been a blessing in my life.