the sunday before last

Two minutes before ten, I am standing near the back of the school hall. Glancing around, very few seats filled, and I feel guilt. Will more come? As I make my way to the keyboard, my thoughts multiple. Did I send enough texts or connect this week? How could I have encouraged others to come? We start the first song, my eyes downcast as we sing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

When I look up, the front row crowded with sweet kids, families together, familiar faces, the room filled. God corrects me. Emilie, this is my church. I am reminded not by my own ability, but His Spirit at work in each person. My thoughts turn into prayers, for every one who sits in our congregation, that they hear from God. His voice whispering: I am yours, you are mine.

enough

Reminding myself where I was two weeks ago. Ireland was beautiful and restful. Hard to believe, it's only and already been two weeks, feels like yesterday and over a month ago at the same time. Such a reflection of the pace of this past year. Last spring was full of preparing for graduation and marriage. Again, we find ourselves in a time of waiting. Our hearts preparing for New Zealand while trying to be present to our responsibilities at this time. I'm trying my best to reflect, to appreciate every big and little moment, to thank God for all the time He's given us.

People keep asking me if we're ready to move. Of course, we are ready in some ways. We are excited to move. We really miss Clint, Jamie and the girls. We are ready to participate in the ministry that has begun in Christchurch, already seeing the way in which God is gathering others and working on hearts. But I can't help praying that these next few months go slow enough, not to delay moving forward, but so we might cherish this time, this place, these friends, our family. Trusting that this time is enough. That He will provide more than enough.

loving well

I'm starting to work on a series about loving well, collections of thoughts and stories from friends. It will take some time so please be patient with me. As for now, here's a little inspiration. It's been motivating me the past few weeks, slowly transforming my perspective and outlook, allowing me to love well.

Freely. He loved with freedom, not out of obligation or expectation, nothing in return. It overflowed from His Spirit, from His being, and that same Spirit resides in me.

first of spring

Brought home these pretty things yesterday. I've already described my love for daffodils and their significance in my life. For those who faced hard winters, take heart. It's that time, friend. Spring is coming.

hello monday

It's Monday. I'm sure most of my family and friends are busy with work and school. I'm not. Today's goals: calling about jobs, babysitting, and making Logan dinner. I ran across this little post from Apartment Therapy this weekend, and I wanted to pass it along. Not only refreshing, but just the thing I needed to hear at the start of a new week.

An Unexpected Morning at Home by Dana Velden

The day had started with the most wonderful of ambitions: a road trip to the ocean, a short hike, a picnic, maybe even a visit to the apple farm on the way home. A little exploring, a little adventure, a perfect Saturday plan.

Maybe it was the morning fog or the chilly temperatures or the headachy and expensive breadth of our planning. Or maybe we just needed a quiet morning. But at some point we realized that we had lost our zeal. put down our elaborate escapes. We were staying put.

So we made breakfast: farm eggs fried in butter and olive oil with a dash of smoked paprika tossed in towards the end and a little crunchy sea salt and fresh black pepper sprinkled on top; rosemary bread, toasted and buttered; a cup of strong hot English tea brewed in chipped mugs. Outside, wispy bits fog caught in the trees and tugged at the sunshine as it struggled to come out. Inside we licked the bright orange pimentòn from our forks and sunk further into our torpor.

We draped ourselves on couches and talked about the books we've read and mutual friends and what was going to happen next in our lives. We drank a cup of tea, and then another, and then another. This was a rare time, with no need to go anywhere or do anything else or be anyone else. A quiet morning at home with an old friend, easy and contented and lazy. This is what a belly full of good food, and a heart full of good friendship, brings. 

headlines and lullabies

"Deep breath. We are where we are. The world is as beautiful and broken as it ever was, and if you're anything like me, it takes some tricks to get back to centered, whole, deep-breathing, faith-filled places. On the days when, after watching the news or opening a letter from our bank, I'm tempted to lie down on the ground and let the anxiety I feel about our world flatten me like a steamroller, instead I do these things:

I pray. I speak to God, sometimes out loud, often in the car, frequently in the shower. I ask for help about things I don't understand. I ask peace, and grace, and the ability to see outside myself. I pray for people who are at the mercy of these scary headlines... And I pray for the people who can solve these problems - politicians both federal and local, pastors, philanthropists. I pray for a way through, a light at the end of the tunnel...

Someone asked my dad recently how often we can pray for the very same thing, and he said that we should pray as often as we need to until the anxiety subsides, until, as it says in the Bible, we are filled with the peace that passes human understanding. That sounds delicious: peace that passes human understanding. That's what I'm starving for, and so I've been praying, sometimes even just the same phrase or sentence over and over again. I find that's an awful lot of praying for the same thing, but also that the anxiety does eventually subside, and the peace does indeed come, and it's pretty much the best feeling in the world."

- Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

hello, i mean, hi, i'm still here

Obviously, I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been writing. Much of the following, I wrote over a month ago. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it, and that's okay, I suppose.

I want to start first with what I like about blogs. It's a time for me to put life to words, to reflect, to think good and hard about the happenings of a semester, chapter, or whatever state I might be experiencing. It allows me to appreciate experiences or gain hope in midst of chaos and instability. There are boundaries between my journal and conversations with close friends in comparison to an online blog. Yet  I like the idea of being vulnerable and also learning how to reach a decision. It's hard to write my thoughts, but it's good for me. See, when I write something for others to read, I think about it a little deeper than if I am venting in the moment, or writing in my journal. When I'm thinking to myself and going a little bit crazy, I either need to stop or write or talk so I can look at it and realize how it really sounds. In my thoughts, I can remain in the uncertainty as long as I like. However, anything public is subject to criticism. It forces me to reconcile an experience or idea so that I might be able to understand.

Yet like anything else, such a thing, even a blog, can cause insecurities to stir within me. I really struggled between humility and self-worth last semester. It is hard. It is hard for me to humble myself and place myself in a posture that seeks God's face for his grace and reassurance rather than relying on my own abilities. To turn that on its head, I have experienced moments of insecurities and fears throughout this semester. Even such a thing as a blog or looking at all the other amazing people with blogs and their adventures can cause me to feel very tiny. It's really easy when I begin comparing myself to miss the point. Other people want to reflect, encourage, share their joys and pains, challenge themselves to something greater. It's such a choice between being encouraged and feeling insignificant. While everything in me wants to feel encouraged, my worst self is quick to feel lame. And I don't only feel like this about blogs.

I suppose another huge way I'm learning this is through wedding planning. Wedding planning is fun. It's exciting, but it's also completely overwhelming. It's easy to become lost in the trivial decisions such as colors, decorations, and what food we'll serve, and how to invite everyone, and who you might offend, and all of those things. It's really easy to do that - to focus on the things that are fun to extent but not the most important thing. The most important part of a wedding is getting married and growing with that person as you intertwine yourselves. Asking God, your family, and friends to hold you accountable to this commitment. Praying and seeking for His Spirit to be present in a way that reminds us of His love and learning to love the other to the place where his needs are my needs. Two bodies, one heart type feeling. Marriage counseling is hard. It's the most amazing thing, but stretches us. Over and over again, I am reminded that this pre-marital counseling thing and the conversations between Logan and I as we prepare for our future are more important than the silly flowers or DIY projects for the wedding.

How true is this to Christianity? How often do I miss the preparation and the meaning of the celebration as I worry about details and insignificant things? I am preparing to meet God, and he is slowly and surely refining me and seeking me. God is using these years on earth to dwell in my soul, heart, and mind while teaching, pushing, and renewing me. At the same time, He constantly provides opportunities to experience or seek that celebration on earth. He desires for me to bring his kingdom to others. I most definitely believe the new kingdom will be amazing, but not because God snapped his fingers and everyone becomes perfect. It's through this preparation. I know God redeems now in our daily living, and He is not waiting until the rapture to make it all better. We are being joined together. He's active. His Spirit dwells in our churches, in the people of God, and stirs our hearts until we're so uncomfortable we can't do anything else but reach out and love others.

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by One Spirit... In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." - Ephesians 2:14-18, 21-22

reminder one

After working with my girls this summer, I've lived this statement in so many ways.

I cannot believe tomorrow is my last day with them, so many thoughts and feelings.

(photo via valerie claire)