unmerited

I want to be gracious.

When I am tired, stressed, perhaps a little grumpy, I lose grace. I tend to place certain individuals outside my grace circle. It's not okay. No need to perfectly walk in grace, but at least I could dip my toes in it. Thankfully, grace is wide, welcoming us in all places and spaces.

"The Lord is merciful and gracious." Verse after verse in the Psalms. Who is that directed towards? Me, us, them, the person I didn't give grace to today. I receive it - reminded of His forgiving and loving nature.

When I can't give grace to others, makes it harder to receive it, distancing myself from God. That's the tension with grace, requires a response, a shift. I can't help but live differently and give freely when it's been given to me.

"Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many are forgiven -- for she loved much." (Luke 7:47a)

life & preview service

Busy and full week getting ready for our first preview service.

We've had those moments of worry, anxiety, fear. I'm okay with that, as long as we don't stay there. Trying to trust, reminding myself that whoever comes, whatever happens, it is enough. God does not look for performance, he looks at our hearts and acts of faith. Is there more to do? Maybe, probably. We will learn after Sunday and continue growing in who God wants this church to be and how to love others where they are.

Love others where they are.

I've experienced this at work this week. Spent time with a patient, metal detector strapped around his ankle, struggling with the things he cannot change and the things he can change. Trying to stop drinking for his son, to give him a better life. A long phone conversation with a patient who is burdened by her trauma, hurt by the church, struggling to know what she has caused and what has been done to her. "I've decided God is not loving, how can he be loving with what's going on right now?"

I am silent. Spirit, be here. God can handle their doubt. Wait, be patient. Everything does not have to be fixed in this moment. Walk with them.

I want them to experience hope and peace. I want them to be free.

the well

Over the last year, Logan and I have been trying to discern if God might be calling us to the city of Christchurch, New Zealand to assist in planting a church there.  We are delighted to let you know that we have committed to moving to Christchurch to be a part of the Plant Team for The Well!  We made our decision after a long period of prayer and after many long hours of discussion, and we are confident that God is going to use us and The Well to do something powerful in the city of Christchurch. 

If you want to know more about the church plant, the vision behind it, and the lead pastor Clint Ussher, you can find some of that information here. We will give of ourselves and our resources to awakening people to experience and express the depth of Christ’s love. To get a sense of what's happened in the city of Christchurch in the last year or so, and part of why we feel called to plant there, check out this video:

We're sure there are many other questions to answer, so please feel free to write or call us, we'd be happy to talk.  For now, we would greatly appreciate if you could pray for:

- Clint and Jamie Ussher (and their two girls, Evee and Iris), our lead pastoral couple, who are moving to Christchurch in January.  They will be on the ground preparing the way for the church plant as well as continuing to raise support.  Please pray for their transition, for their new home, and for the work they will do in Christchurch in the coming months.

- For the city.  As you can see in the video, Christchurch is a city that is still assessing the extent of the damage before beginning to rebuild.  Pray for the rebuilding process and how The Well might fit into that process.  Christchurch is also a largely unchurched city, so we ask that you pray for God to prepare hearts and minds before we even arrive, both those who will take a leadership role in the church and those we will seek to reach.

- Fundraising.  This church plant is a significant project that is going to require significant resources.  Fundraising has been underway for some time, but there is more yet to be done.  Please pray that God would provide to resources necessary to make this church plant a success.

Again, we are immensely thankful for those who have prayed and supported us during our discernment journey. We are very excited for this opportunity to serve God in New Zealand. Logan and I share a passion for seeing lives and communities transformed by the love and grace of God, and we desire God to use our talents in Christchurch to help see that transformation realized in others.

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6b

If you you would like to receive updates, please subscribe to the Well newsletter here.

after you believe

"As I have already hinted, people tend to go in one of two directions when they think of how to behave. You can live by rules, by a sense of duty, by an obligation imposed on you whether you feel like doing it or not. Or you can declare that you are free from all that sort of thing and able to be yourself, to discover your true identity, to go with your heart, to be authentic and spontaneous...

The fundamental answer we shall explore in this book is that what we're 'here for' is to become genuine human beings, reflecting the God in whose image we're made, and doing so in worship on the one hand and in mission, in its full and large sense, on the other; and that we do this not least by 'following Jesus.' The way this works out is that it produces, through the work of the Holy Spirit, a transformation of character. This transformation will mean that we do indeed 'keep the rules'--though not out of a sense of externally imposed 'duty,' but out of the character that has been formed within us. And it will mean that we do indeed 'follow our hearts' and live 'authentically'--but only when, with that transformed character fully operative, the hard work up front bears fruit in spontaneous decisions and actions that reflect what has been formed deep within. And, in the wider world, the challenge we face is to grow and develop a fresh generation of leaders, in all walks of life, whose character has been formed in wisdom and public service, not in greed for money or power.

The heart of it-- the central thing that is suppose to happen 'after you believe'--is thus the transformation of character."

- N.T. Wright, After You Believe

the story of job

This past semester, I took Old Testament. I know, a senior in Wilbur William's Old Testament class, pretty funny. I had little choice in the matter, being a double major in nursing and addictions counseling (well, that was my choice), but I take a little pride in my very last college final being Old Testament. Weird, I know.

If you're wondering why I'm writing about Old Testament the Monday before my wedding, I've had an interesting beginning to my wedding week. At first, I wasn't going to share that I'm feeling sick. In fact, earlier today at the doctor's office, I told my mom that I didn't want us telling anyone. My plan was by the time people start arrive for the wedding they'd have no idea - I can definitely kick in excited and peppy Emilie by Wednesday. But over the past two days, my body has taken a hard toll of the common cold, blowing snot, sore throat, sneezing, itchy ears, picture perfect case. It's hard feeling achy on such an exciting week - there was a lot of denial at first as if I could completely ignore the fact that my head feels ten pounds heavier than normal due to the congestion.

Perhaps, I didn't want my body to feel this way because I didn't want to hear it's because I'm stressed. My pride tends to want to be able to hold it together. Plus, no one especially a bride likes to be told they are stressed. While I haven't felt as stressed about the wedding as I did about graduating college (weird, I know), I probably should recognize that there's some left over stress from school spilling into the wedding and compromising my immune system. So, yes, I fully admit that I don't feel good, and the past two days have left me a bit exhausted, but let me tell you the bittersweetness of this situation.

In Old Testament, we finished the semester with by far my favorite lecture of Wilbur. He told the story of Job, and I think it's the only OT class I came remotely close to crying (just to clarify, that is not my criteria for a good class, which we can talk about later). Wilbur stated over and over again that there are certain things that God allows certain individuals to endure such heavy pain, and we have no idea why. It isn't punishment for sin, but Wilbur believes God allows them to endure more than someone who couldn't handle it. Perhaps later God will use them to support another suffering individual. I've seen and heard this in so many ways especially throughout this past semester: a terrifying act of abuse of a young college student, an emotional and physical challenging beginning to a pregnancy, a healthy baby drastically being stillborn after the mother fell, the earthquake in Japan, very hard things.

In a moment like this when I have a little ol' cold the week of my wedding, I tend to think of those who are by far in more pain than I. I ask myself how these people will heal from such losses and hurt. Through my small trial this weekend, I've felt God's healing through such precious relationships. This is what I've experienced:

"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great" (from Job 2:11-13).

Clearly, I'm not suffering as Job did, but like him, I have felt community surround me. The past two to three days I have been tired and emotional. But God has been so faithful. I am so thankful for friends who have helped baking monster cookie favors, assemble mix cd favors, make little flags. Blessed by my parents and family who have sewn napkins, made table runners, painted signs, picked me up east end cokes, washed mason jars. Especially yesterday and today, the little notes of encouragement completely unexpected: a voicemail from my youth pastor, an email from my favorite high school teacher, encouragement postcards from my closest friends, a close family friend of Logan's parents sending me the most beautiful wedding advice (along with a cute elementary photo of Logan), random text messages, facebook messages, such beautiful words.

As the wedding approaches, I completely believe every act of kindness has been part of God's timing. I realize in the story of Job that his friends later say some good and not so good things to him, blames him that he deserves to suffer, and God eventually rebukes Job's friends. However in chapter two of Job, I am amazed by the way in which God uses others to speak into lives and carry burdens. I'm such a little sociologist and look at people through the lens of society and environment, the people and places that have shaped them. By no means is that the only thing that defines us, and of course, people may disappoint us, but it is so beautiful how we uphold one another.

Before I was engaged and throughout this wedding preparation, I've thought and said over and over that I wanted my wedding to be threaded with community, created and celebrated by those Logan and I love and who have loved us so well. I've had to rely and depend on so many people. In these past few days without friends even knowing the things I'm feeling or experiencing, I've been overwhelmed with love and support. Funny enough, this is exactly how I imagined our wedding.

For those who have given us words of encouragement, spent evenings baking and crafting, given us beautiful things for our future home, loved us so deeply, we thank you. Those three words feel so small, but we are immensely thankful and very blessed. Thank you, thank you for celebrating with us.

hello, i mean, hi, i'm still here

Obviously, I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been writing. Much of the following, I wrote over a month ago. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it, and that's okay, I suppose.

I want to start first with what I like about blogs. It's a time for me to put life to words, to reflect, to think good and hard about the happenings of a semester, chapter, or whatever state I might be experiencing. It allows me to appreciate experiences or gain hope in midst of chaos and instability. There are boundaries between my journal and conversations with close friends in comparison to an online blog. Yet  I like the idea of being vulnerable and also learning how to reach a decision. It's hard to write my thoughts, but it's good for me. See, when I write something for others to read, I think about it a little deeper than if I am venting in the moment, or writing in my journal. When I'm thinking to myself and going a little bit crazy, I either need to stop or write or talk so I can look at it and realize how it really sounds. In my thoughts, I can remain in the uncertainty as long as I like. However, anything public is subject to criticism. It forces me to reconcile an experience or idea so that I might be able to understand.

Yet like anything else, such a thing, even a blog, can cause insecurities to stir within me. I really struggled between humility and self-worth last semester. It is hard. It is hard for me to humble myself and place myself in a posture that seeks God's face for his grace and reassurance rather than relying on my own abilities. To turn that on its head, I have experienced moments of insecurities and fears throughout this semester. Even such a thing as a blog or looking at all the other amazing people with blogs and their adventures can cause me to feel very tiny. It's really easy when I begin comparing myself to miss the point. Other people want to reflect, encourage, share their joys and pains, challenge themselves to something greater. It's such a choice between being encouraged and feeling insignificant. While everything in me wants to feel encouraged, my worst self is quick to feel lame. And I don't only feel like this about blogs.

I suppose another huge way I'm learning this is through wedding planning. Wedding planning is fun. It's exciting, but it's also completely overwhelming. It's easy to become lost in the trivial decisions such as colors, decorations, and what food we'll serve, and how to invite everyone, and who you might offend, and all of those things. It's really easy to do that - to focus on the things that are fun to extent but not the most important thing. The most important part of a wedding is getting married and growing with that person as you intertwine yourselves. Asking God, your family, and friends to hold you accountable to this commitment. Praying and seeking for His Spirit to be present in a way that reminds us of His love and learning to love the other to the place where his needs are my needs. Two bodies, one heart type feeling. Marriage counseling is hard. It's the most amazing thing, but stretches us. Over and over again, I am reminded that this pre-marital counseling thing and the conversations between Logan and I as we prepare for our future are more important than the silly flowers or DIY projects for the wedding.

How true is this to Christianity? How often do I miss the preparation and the meaning of the celebration as I worry about details and insignificant things? I am preparing to meet God, and he is slowly and surely refining me and seeking me. God is using these years on earth to dwell in my soul, heart, and mind while teaching, pushing, and renewing me. At the same time, He constantly provides opportunities to experience or seek that celebration on earth. He desires for me to bring his kingdom to others. I most definitely believe the new kingdom will be amazing, but not because God snapped his fingers and everyone becomes perfect. It's through this preparation. I know God redeems now in our daily living, and He is not waiting until the rapture to make it all better. We are being joined together. He's active. His Spirit dwells in our churches, in the people of God, and stirs our hearts until we're so uncomfortable we can't do anything else but reach out and love others.

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by One Spirit... In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." - Ephesians 2:14-18, 21-22