winter sun

Yesterday was beautiful. Thus far, New Zealand winter involves a few days of rain and clouds followed by sunny, happy ones.

The past few months have been exactly that, cloudy and sunny. It's push and shove of feeling stuck and growing. Moments of homesickness and disappointment with the nursing council, but also sweetness of new friendships and the expanding of the Well.

This past month sprinted. Re-experiencing Soul Shift, completing the first bereavement group, adventuring our first Church retreat, hosting wonderful people, finishing at the clinic, starting at the university.

There are parts I wouldn't want to face again, but also lots of bits that were real good. Like the winter sun, a little cold and hopeful.

birthday favorites

Our first birthdays in New Zealand. For those who don't know, mine's the 7th, Logan's the 8th. Blessed by church ladies and gents who took us out separately to celebrate. Lots of phone calls and facetime from home throughout the weekend. A small group of friends to enjoy soup, cake & games. Lazy Saturday morning filled with Reese's puffs cereal (kinda family tradition), SYTYCD episodes and opening presents. Of course, followed by more eating, late brunch and pizza for dinner.

I liked this birthday.

God cares

Five days. We've lived in New Zealand for five days. I'm already amazed by God at work, encouraged and needing him more than ever. Beautiful people, beautiful city. We've been welcomed and loved.

We feel that what we're doing isn't any different than what all Christians should be doing. Engaging in God's kingdom here and now. It just happens to be in Christchurch. Our role would be the same in the states. To live according to hope and love. We can't rescue Christchurch - that's not why we're here. No, but "people find hope when the people of God find them" (Pastor DeNeff). That's my daily. To be an agent of grace and healing. To find opportunities to listen, to love, to care, to support. Christ wasn't the end. He was the beginning and invites us to join him. He's put His hope in his church. Pretty amazing.

So we find ourselves loving our time thus far. Opportunity to paint and clean a building that will love on the kids in its community. Meeting with the small group for the first time. Time spent dreaming. Learning and listening. Observing beautiful acts of love from those we know and are getting to know. Small steps.

"If all the world believed the truth of God's character -- that God cares -- wouldn't this world become a caring place?" (Ann Voskamp)

my favorite sporting events

1. Olympics
2. X-Games
3. World Cup (especially Women's)

Really wish I could sit in front of a television for these two weeks. But girl has things to do. Praise God for visas and plane tickets. We are going to New Zealand. So thankful for prayers and encouragement from our churches, friends, and families.

this week

This week Mark and Lauren visited, and it was amazing to fill up our time with Princeton, Jersey, and NYC. I've talked about them before, and we just love them. Excited for where God is leading them to Denver, but not looking forward to another goodbye cry. Trying my best to be thankful for this week, believing it was enough, our time together, it was so fun. Jersey Shore (beach walks, sting ray, maybe sunburns, spotting Situation, Deena & Sam), Princeton favorites (croissants, art museum, record store, Hoagie Haven), and NYC (Museum of Natural History, yummy Thai, walking Brooklyn Bridge).

I'm not even going to go into it. It requires too much energy and emotion to discuss preparing to move from New Jersey. In a week, we will have moved back to Indiana. Absolutely bittersweet, not ready to say goodbye to awesome friends, but blessed to have a few months with family.

It's good and it's hard and it's worth it. We wouldn't change where we've been. We can't imagine not moving forward, feeling encouraged and affirmed where God is leading. For not just us, but for Mark and Lauren and our neighbors, for our families, I pray and hope for you too.

weekend fun

This weekend was fun with beautiful weather and so many celebrations. I spent time skyping with my family on Saturday since it was my dad's birthday. At the same time, I made apple pie for my neighbor's birthday party. I should have taken more photos. It was "Downton Abbey" themed. Funny for many reasons, my neighbor's name is Abby. She lives downstairs. Her and her husband Scott decorated the doors with Mary and Matthew peeping from the side, and they filled their wall frames with different characters: Bates, O'Brien, Countess of Grantham, Daisy, and Thomas (ew, gross).

I should mention that Scott is who pushed us to watch Downton. Then it became a routine, we watched most of season two with Abby and Scott after weekly Monday dinners. We just love them. They're good people, really good friends. I've written about our friendship before, so thankful to find friends that we easily can laugh and pray together. Abby is such a special friend, so thankful for her honesty and courage, such a blessing to my life.

I'm so thankful for the weekend, even if it was quick, it was restful and fun, filled with friends.

loving well

I'm starting to work on a series about loving well, collections of thoughts and stories from friends. It will take some time so please be patient with me. As for now, here's a little inspiration. It's been motivating me the past few weeks, slowly transforming my perspective and outlook, allowing me to love well.

Freely. He loved with freedom, not out of obligation or expectation, nothing in return. It overflowed from His Spirit, from His being, and that same Spirit resides in me.

together

This morning was spent with good friends. Hard questions and conversation. It's cloudy and gray outside, almost reflecting our feelings. Hurt and grief, waiting and unknown, wrestling with what has happened or is happening. We spent our time together trying to describe and understand. I'm glad for moments like these where we can share, not that it immediately makes everything better, but at least we are together.

As we asked each other, "What do you need right now? How can we be there for you?" I liked how my friend responded something like this, "People ask me how I'm doing today. I'm not sure I know in this moment. I know this season is hard. I think in a year I'll look back and know how I was feeling. Maybe ask me how I was yesterday. "

Time. Healing takes time. Joy and pain coexist. It's important to experience it, to not hide from hardship. That in itself doesn't necessarily make it easier. It's still hard. I've spent the rest of my morning thinking about my friends and our conversation. I certainly do not have immediate answers. Only promises.

To my two friends, I promise to be there for you, to ask you what you need. When you need to talk, I will listen.  When you need silence, I will be quiet. When you need to talk but don't know what to talk about, I will ask questions. When you need distractions, we will get ice cream or watch movies and crochet or take a walk. When you need hope, I will encourage. I promise to pray for you. I am praying for strength to face this season. For comfort and peace when it doesn't make sense. For hope and healing in the midst of hurting. I love you when life is good and hard. If you let me, I will be there for you. If you don't let me, I'll probably keep calling and texting, knocking on your door. Trying to love you with food. Hope that's okay. Love you, friends.

"I remember that the answers aren't necessarily as important as the questions and the company, and that if we do find answers, we'll find them together." (Shauna Niequist from her book Bittersweet)

sleepy saturday

Happy to have a chance to sleep in this morning. I trained on day shift this week for work. Since I'm a little paranoid, I woke up at five every day. And now, I have to remind my body that it's working nights this weekend. Given that, I probably will be in bed until church tonight and when I leave for work.

Yesterday was my last day to train. It was a typical shift and then the chaos began. In the last three hours, we had patients being put in the quiet room, on contracts, new admissions. Even if it was busy, I'm glad I experienced it. I feel more prepared the next time it happens. Plus, I had the new admission, a very sweet girl. She was my hope that shift. Some people really do want better things for themselves and others. She wants to try.

(photo via cat who loves cat)

extrovert

Spent my entire afternoon, five hours at least, on a couch with Bethany and Mike. Talking, sharing, remembering. This is when I know without a doubt, I am absolutely completely an extrovert, encouraged and inspired by friends, catching up and being together, no need to leave the house or do anything. It's better than tea and cookies. It fills me.

sushi machine

Last night, I learned how to make sushi. It was an incredible evening, consistently amazed by the generosity of friends in Jersey, George and Kim are amazing chefs: wonton soup, duck, salad, sushi. Nothing better than spending hours together in a kitchen. And so, eleven friends plus four kids gathered around a table to celebrate Clint and Jamie before they leave for New Zealand. I know, compared to everyone else, I should be the least sad. In less than a year, we will be joining them in Christchurch.

And I watch, a little scared, knowing another season of goodbye will come too soon for Logan and I. Trying my best to be intentional with the time we have. Excited to be with family at Christmas, enjoying our home and community in Princeton, and at the same time, excited how God is working and the anticipation of New Zealand. But that's been this year, learning to live in the waiting.

over the rhine

Week began with an awesome couple from church making an amazing meal, spent in an old Princeton house, good conversation. Neighbor's birthday on Monday, celebrated by seeing the Milk Carton Kids and Over the Rhine in Philadelphia. First shifts off orientation, first week working part time (opposed to full time in November). Wait, November happened? It's December. Christmas tree up. Buying presents. Making presents. Thankful for friends. Preparing for friends to move. I have a husband, I have a job, I have a good community. I'm so thankful for what I have. I get to see family in two weeks, miss my nieces and nephews. And last week, it was 60's, this week it's raining, I think, I might be ready for snow.

I feel so much joy.

routine & comfort

I was given great advice during this season: "Emilie, you have to just schedule things. You schedule to do laundry at this time, you schedule to apply for jobs, and you schedule to spend time having fun. You still deserve it, working or not. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself crazy." And so, I forced myself into leaving the house, grocery shopping, church, library, but didn't really structure my time, never found a rhythm to my week since moving.

I spent many days doing I have no idea what, and other days being productive. I tried new recipes, watched more television than all four years of college, constructed things, avoided my wedding thank you's (I don't want to talk about it--Mom, please don't tell dad). I spent time babysitting my neighbor's kids, blogging, applying for jobs, reading.

Finally, prayers were answered. A license number, an interview, a job. God provided. In less than two weeks, my little routine in Jersey vanished, and now I'm thrown into orientation, a new schedule, postponing consistency.

Strangely, despite the unknowns, I felt a sense of comfort today while driving home from work. It was beautiful, sun beginning to set, single lane roads lined with orange, red, yellow trees. Princeton is its best in the fall. As I turned onto a particular street, I was reminded that less than two months ago, I had no idea where I was going. But now, I do.

Unknown and comfort co-existing. I am no longer a student nurse. I am a nurse. I wish orientation was over (it just started, I know). I am ready to know what is expected of me and assurance that I can fulfill those expectations. Realistically, I'll feel this way for a while. And it hits me: I don't want to wish away my time here. There is much to be lived and celebrated and learned. There will be more Wednesdays at Immerse, Friday mornings at Small World Coffee or The Little Chef, visits to NYC, friends and family visiting, weekends of rummage sales and making crafts, and CRW events with neighbors.

I don't always handle the unknown so well. So tonight, I'm preparing. I must choose skills and habits that help me seek God, chasing that fear and worry away, helping me to slow down so I can be present in the lessons of this season.

I started with a run--I ran hard trying to catch up with my thoughts and left my worries on the trail. There's other things I'm going to do when anxiety comes from the unknown. I will pray for others. I will search God's word for peace. I will choose to share these things with friends and also ask them about their inner wrestling. I will read the words of other believers that point me back to God--to rest in His Spirit.

"You are becoming aware of how close Jesus is to you. He holds you safe in his love. At times, memories of past events and fantasies about the future pierce your heart, but these painful incidents have become less frightening, less devastating, less paralyzing. It almost seems as if they are necessary reminders of your need to stay close---very close to Jesus...
You feel vulnerable but safe at the same time. Jesus is where you are, and you can trust that he will show you the next step." (Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love)

(photo via Katherine Oliver Photography, also check out her blog Whatever is Lovely)

fall break

It was a good week.

I'm thankful for a job interview, babysitting, family visit, job offer (yes, praise God), more family time, skype with Logan. I still experience some angst and worry. The excitement and nervousness co-exist. It's kind of like how the perfect fall weather turned into a cold snowy day. At least, it was a pretty snow with big thick snowflakes.

weekend catchup

Oh hey, how was your weekend? It was a pleasant couple days celebrating an exciting time for a close friend, community cookout, sushi, good fall runs. Logan left yesterday afternoon for New Zealand. We drove to JFK, said goodbye until Halloween, and that's it. He's still on the plane but they should arrive around 7 or 8 this evening (which is Tuesday morning around 9 in Auckland).

Rather than heading home to a lonely house, I stayed in the city to catch up with Courtney, an old nursing friend who works in Washington Heights for New York Presbyterian Hospital. We headed downtown to Shake Shack in Madison Square Garden. For the first time, New York City was pretty magical to me. During the day, it is all business, busy and full of people. But last night, it was more calm, all lit up, plus those cheeseburgers and apple pie ice cream were unbelievable. It felt different.

I survived driving through New York City. I feel good about that.

Well, happy Monday. I planned a pretty full week since Logan is gone. My brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece are coming on Wednesday. I'm so excited.

(photo via  wallyg)

first day of fall

I can't believe it's Friday. I can't believe it's the second to last Friday in September. I can't believe it's September. I can't believe summer is over. How many different ways can I say this summer flew by? This summer flew by. Goodness, September 23rd, first day of fall, hello, how are you? Oh goodness, I can't believe it's fall.

What's new? Moving. It's a funny feeling.

It's interesting because at a time like this, with so much change, plenty to think about, I have to force myself to write about it. I really don't feel like thinking about it to the point where I can read it. And as a result, I spend my time looking for jobs or sewing pillows or doing something else. Typical distractions.

It's hard and it's not hard. Moving, that is. I'm not crying everyday, but I'm in that stretching kind of season, away from family, being more independent (but not really, I need Logan more than ever), uncertainty of jobs phase, trying to find places and friends that continue to inspire me to live with meaning, trusting God with my worried head. Thus, it isn't easy, a little awkward. The marriage part is fun, really fun. That's good news.

What have I done this first week in Jersey? A lot and not a lot. Logan keeps telling me to relax - it's okay for me to have a break until I get a job. He's right. In some ways, summer wasn't really a break. We were always going somewhere or doing something. It's not easy for me to sit still. And at the same time, it's been hard to be adventurous because highway 1 and roundabouts are scary. I'll learn, sometime, soon. I hope.

This week, I am thankful for friendly neighbors who ask me to babysit their kids (since I still don't have a job, did I mention that already?) and invite Logan and I for tea, for birthday parties and a new friend (I hope) who assured me of her insecurities of moving, for sushi and a trip to New York City for passports, for a home to make chocolate chip cookies and pumpkin muffins, for skype with friends and phone calls with family, for Logan and our new home.

I miss the old, but I'm certain the more I try to hold on to it, the less my hands are open to what God has planned for Logan and I here in New Jersey. Hands opening. Oh my, the leaves are falling.

(photo via Cherilyn Kurtz)

reminder

Hello, Monday.

Such a productive little weekend with homework, small group cookout, working on invitations, being on duty, and trying on my wedding dress (my favorite part). Now back to working hard, and finishing the semester well. To help with that, I made this little hopeful reminder for my desktop background. I hope it's encouraging to you and whatever step or season you're in right now.

hello, i mean, hi, i'm still here

Obviously, I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been writing. Much of the following, I wrote over a month ago. I still don't feel completely comfortable with it, and that's okay, I suppose.

I want to start first with what I like about blogs. It's a time for me to put life to words, to reflect, to think good and hard about the happenings of a semester, chapter, or whatever state I might be experiencing. It allows me to appreciate experiences or gain hope in midst of chaos and instability. There are boundaries between my journal and conversations with close friends in comparison to an online blog. Yet  I like the idea of being vulnerable and also learning how to reach a decision. It's hard to write my thoughts, but it's good for me. See, when I write something for others to read, I think about it a little deeper than if I am venting in the moment, or writing in my journal. When I'm thinking to myself and going a little bit crazy, I either need to stop or write or talk so I can look at it and realize how it really sounds. In my thoughts, I can remain in the uncertainty as long as I like. However, anything public is subject to criticism. It forces me to reconcile an experience or idea so that I might be able to understand.

Yet like anything else, such a thing, even a blog, can cause insecurities to stir within me. I really struggled between humility and self-worth last semester. It is hard. It is hard for me to humble myself and place myself in a posture that seeks God's face for his grace and reassurance rather than relying on my own abilities. To turn that on its head, I have experienced moments of insecurities and fears throughout this semester. Even such a thing as a blog or looking at all the other amazing people with blogs and their adventures can cause me to feel very tiny. It's really easy when I begin comparing myself to miss the point. Other people want to reflect, encourage, share their joys and pains, challenge themselves to something greater. It's such a choice between being encouraged and feeling insignificant. While everything in me wants to feel encouraged, my worst self is quick to feel lame. And I don't only feel like this about blogs.

I suppose another huge way I'm learning this is through wedding planning. Wedding planning is fun. It's exciting, but it's also completely overwhelming. It's easy to become lost in the trivial decisions such as colors, decorations, and what food we'll serve, and how to invite everyone, and who you might offend, and all of those things. It's really easy to do that - to focus on the things that are fun to extent but not the most important thing. The most important part of a wedding is getting married and growing with that person as you intertwine yourselves. Asking God, your family, and friends to hold you accountable to this commitment. Praying and seeking for His Spirit to be present in a way that reminds us of His love and learning to love the other to the place where his needs are my needs. Two bodies, one heart type feeling. Marriage counseling is hard. It's the most amazing thing, but stretches us. Over and over again, I am reminded that this pre-marital counseling thing and the conversations between Logan and I as we prepare for our future are more important than the silly flowers or DIY projects for the wedding.

How true is this to Christianity? How often do I miss the preparation and the meaning of the celebration as I worry about details and insignificant things? I am preparing to meet God, and he is slowly and surely refining me and seeking me. God is using these years on earth to dwell in my soul, heart, and mind while teaching, pushing, and renewing me. At the same time, He constantly provides opportunities to experience or seek that celebration on earth. He desires for me to bring his kingdom to others. I most definitely believe the new kingdom will be amazing, but not because God snapped his fingers and everyone becomes perfect. It's through this preparation. I know God redeems now in our daily living, and He is not waiting until the rapture to make it all better. We are being joined together. He's active. His Spirit dwells in our churches, in the people of God, and stirs our hearts until we're so uncomfortable we can't do anything else but reach out and love others.

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by One Spirit... In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." - Ephesians 2:14-18, 21-22

honesty & confrontation

I have never been good at confronting others. Funny, enough, I am choosing careers where this is not only unavoidable but is taught and practiced pretty much everyday. Seriously, counseling loves relational tension. As human beings, we are constantly dealing with relationships, understanding them, learning from them, making them, mending them, letting go, and the list goes on. When we hit conflict, that is the perfect opportunity for change.

Along with confrontation, I'm not so great at honesty. I like to tell myself that I am completely open with my closest friends and myself. The reality is I am not good at telling others what I'm thinking or feeling. I wouldn't say I fake it, but I have my moments where I hide and suppress and decide not to deal with things, issues, or problems. I suppose somewhere in the past twenty-one years I learned time and space will fix it or some things need left unsaid (especially if it makes it worse).

And that, folks, is exactly where God is challenging me this summer. My girls force me to communicate, be honest, and make amends. In group counseling last semester, I learned so much about how group teaches you to be real with others. When you provide a safe space, the group members can be completely honest with one another, which addresses bad thinking or allows them to recognize their faults, assumptions, misinterpretations, etc. That class was perfect for me last semester. I not only gained insight from other's experiences in the group, but I grew to trust those six others girls (and our male facilitator) more than I imagined. It was really good for me, you know.

Yet that experience led and prepared me for this one, and now God is teaching me how to communicate in situations where I'm not going to be fully accepted or loved by others. I'm not always going to be able to express my feelings and concerns to explain certain situations to the girls in my program. While I do not need to be liked or understood, I need to do my part to be honest and make amends.

Confidentiality doesn't really allow me to go into detail what happened, but last night I had an amazing conversation with one of my girls. It was a hard conversation. I couldn't describe to her what the consequences would be for certain behaviors on behalf of her and another girl. Yet I am amazed by the honesty she had. Together we discussed better outcomes of the situation, and I encouraged her to act in a way  I know she is capable of doing. Through that communication, trust is slowly being built. But more than that, this girl showed great maturity, growth, and strength, which is what she needs when she leaves this program.

If I hadn't followed up with her about the incident, this conversation wouldn't have happened. I am not even sure how to really express what this all means to me. I just know even after I leave my internship this moment will stick with me for a very long time.

california lovin'

Hello Monday!

I have been busy, busy. Last week's adventures involved the beach, hiking, a wedding, and the city of LA! I will be posting more in detail soon. Here's a sneak peak:

California sure is pretty.